Green Fields and Crosses
by Archangel Barton
Summary: In the greenest of fields and the brightest of sunlight lay the memories of a love that they thought would last. [RuSen]


Title: Green Fields and Crosses  
  
Author: Archangel  
  
Genre: Romance, Angst  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Pairing: RuSen  
  
Type: One-shot Fiction, Rukawa's POV  
  
Disclaimers: I wished I owned them but hell I couldn't even draw an eye for Christ's sake!  
  
Archive: ff.net, spellbound  
  
Summary: In the greenest of fields and the brightest of sunlight lay the memories of a love that they thought would last.  
  
Author's Notes: I was actually in the middle of making chapter six of Symphony Made in Heaven but I found it hard to continue it so I browsed my files for fic ideas and found this. I was really waiting for a nice time to do this fic but eventually I just found that certain time now so I want to be productive. By the way, this is a Rukawa POV fic since I already have a Sendoh POV fic similar to this…and I want Ru to cry at times, you see…hahaha! Kidding! I just challenged myself on getting into their character, that is if I can. Reviews are appreciated, thanks for considering the option to read this fic. Last up…this is a RuSen people! *waves RuSen banner* It's rare that I do this.  
  
This fic is dedicated to my some of favorite authors: Jayded Kitsune, Kataren, Crystal, Feng and Aki-chan. For some reason, I want you to dedicate this fic to you guys no matter how stupid it may be.  
  
Spoilers for the fic: There are spoilers indeed. It's an angst fic anyways. Please don't flame me!  
  
On to the fic…  
  
Green Fields and Crosses  
  
By Archangel  
  
Rukawa's POV  
  
Along the green fields I walk, looking at the clear and bright horizon, and in my ears I hear the music of the wind. I look upon the skies and saw your face etched in the clouds. Then, I remembered you…the one person I truly loved of whom I bestowed my entire body and soul. You who erased my fears and wiped away my tears…the one I loved the most.  
  
I was crying amidst the pouring rain on account of a shattered pride. I never expected to see you there but then there you were. You saw me with your own two eyes suffering silently, letting my tears mix with the raindrops. Then you covered me with your umbrella…your eyes asking me to calm down.  
  
It was not the greatest thing I believed I needed at that time, and I admit I thought I never needed your so-called assistance. But then you made me realize the childish actions I displayed. Your comforting yet strong words slapped me in the face however, they were all true. I was crying over such a dense thing. Losing a basketball game isn't the end of the world. And though I knew it, I still cried because I hated losing. And you said it was foolish…and immature. I was taken aback.  
  
Then we made a pact: We will never cry because of some foolish pride. I found it stupid yet I agreed, and sealed the deal with a hard punch across your face. You answered back in the same manner, me earning a painful blow on the side. But still I thought my punch was harder.   
  
You called me up later that night, checking if I was okay, and I found it mildly insulting for you to ask. I know I am so damn young but hell, I know when to stop crying. I put down the phone but you called up as soon as I did, this time asking me for a rematch…and hell, you beat me.  
  
And everyday since then you asked me for a rematch that it became a hobby until such time I got so used to it that it bothered me to death when one time you failed to come. I stayed waiting till midnight staring at a cursed ring but you never came only to find out the next day that you were sick with this acute viral illness you never stopped explaining to me about. Then I unexpectedly found myself happy and relieved for the true reason of your absence, to the fact that I thought you decided that playing basketball with me was a complete waste of time…I could've strangled you to the post, I swear.  
  
The more unusual it got when I asked you out for dinner for a reason I never really knew why. I just thought it was amusing being with you and so maybe I decided to extend our time by dining out. And again, I felt happy - not for an excuse of a temporary absence or anything, but to the fact that you agreed to my proposal and strode along with me in the sidewalks underneath the starry moonlit sky.   
  
Well, downtown Kanagawa is a noisy city but at that moment all I heard was you, this beating of my heart and a corny conscience that whispers 'you're a frickin' love slave, Rukawa'. Then all I saw was me, and you and a big lump in my forehead as I walked past a tree branch. But still, that smile in your face reassured me I was okay. Though I saw humming birds flying from corner to corner of my swirling vision, you steadied me down with your strong hands, looking deep into my eyes, asking me if I was okay…yes, I was very much okay, it damn hurts! But then, I was okay, am I not?  
  
Oh how I loved the way you reached for that steaming bowl of rice and the moment your eyes turned in to cup holes with your clumsy fingers…you spilled that lemon juice on me. And it all went unexpected again for I smiled like a sweet, innocent twerp to the obvious fact that I was drenched half-way with a lemon juice. Yes, I smiled…and it must've freaked you out.  
  
Dinner went smooth after we took off in an instant along with our meals by reason of public humiliation, with me leaving a trace of lemon juice drops on the restaurant floor. And it was damn cold outside - we were in front of the harbor anyway, of all places to eat. I took off my wet shirt and shivered in the cold as you took off yours and handed it over to me…and you freaked me out.   
  
You said I should take it since you are the one at fault. I declined of course, being the bastard that I am, cold and freezing still I remained distant and stupid. I thought you'd wear your shirt back but you threw it out in the ocean giving me a huge nasty smile in the process.   
  
"Do'aho" I said, but you dismissed it with a sweet laugh and handed me over my dinner.  
  
My house was nearer so I was left no choice but bring you home. You were freezing cold and I'm not that heartless to send you home without a shirt. So I lend you my favorite sweatshirt so you can at least be comfortable on your way home. And yes Akira, I'm wearing it now.  
  
Dinner became a hobby too. We'd eat at different places, from cheap dimsum stands to the fanciest of restaurants or even some backyard barbecue and homemade sushi. Until one day you revealed me a truth that earned my first heartbreak…you were dating somebody and you were overjoyed telling me all those things oblivious to the fact that I was breaking piece by piece…because at that moment, I accepted the fact that I was already loving you.   
  
And so I started to distance myself from you in the earliest possible time. Because there was no reason for me to torture myself with your happiness that didn't include me.  
  
I hurt me the most whenever you call every night asking me when will I ever come to our games or when will we eat dinner together. It hurt me the most when you never showed up in our meeting place whenever I waited for you. Then you'll call me up and tell me I already went home when you came. And the more it hurt when I saw you and your girl walking hand in hand along the road we used to walk, eating at the places we used to eat and playing ball in the court where we always played. I could only stay silent, look above the clouds tearless and curse myself and ask why did I have to end up that way?  
  
It was not good to feel unrequited love, so I decided to find something that was reciprocated at least. I had relationships of which I would like to call 'foolish realities' with men and women of sorts. Had been through sexual encounters with faces I never cared to remember or names I dare not recall because all I remember was you, all I recall is your face and your smile. And never did I truly love because all I ever loved was you. Then I realized how much time I wasted thinking that I found reciprocated love when I never loved anybody apart from you, Sendoh Akira. And my true purpose was stained with bitterness of not getting the love that I wanted…which was you.  
  
And I thought a new light sparkled when I got things going with my sempai Kogure. He showed me just how much I deserved to be loved in return. And I felt pain that you were there to support me which was distressing but nonetheless I should have been grateful. You shared to me your wisdom on love and relationships and told me you prayed every night that we grow strong as a couple. You were a martyr, Akira…and you made me wait for three long years.  
  
This time I was the one who saw you crying in the rain with a broken heart. And like before, we exchanged punches till we're all bloody and soaked, panting deeply, left with a blurred vision of our surroundings. You screamed out loud and I shouted just as much. And when all was done, I lifted your face and told you seven words, "I loved you…for the longest time".   
  
Keiko broke up with you for a reason I never knew till later on.  
  
As for me, I could never be more guilt-ridden than making a way to break up with the man who loved me greatly. Kiminobu knew everything. He knew I loved you from the beginning and tried to divert my feelings but he realized he failed. I became cold and distant, until such time he can never even touch me. But he took the pain of understanding them all.   
  
Finally, I broke all the ties…he deserves a man who had enough brains, someone with a heart for him…and that was not me. He shed tears for me that I knew I did not deserve, and I cried as well because I know I wounded him bad. Yet I can't do much but only to hold him down until he had no more tears left to cry.   
  
I let things settle down to re-think my true feelings for you. But even if I think so hard till I had no more brains left to do so, there's nothing coming out of my mind other than the words 'I love Sendoh Akira'. And how much I'm willing to give all for the sake of loving you.   
  
You made me wait…and I had no more time left for waiting.  
  
I decided to disturb your solemnity by crashing into your room one night. I woke you up mercilessly asking you to accept my love…and by seeing your reaction I knew I scared you to death, but then I did and you can never do anything about it. Because I wanted your love more than anything else.  
  
You told me that nothing was going happen and things won't work between us.   
  
"How come?" I asked, since I can never accept such an answer when I gathered up all my courage to barge in your door and ask you to be mine. I wondered if you doubted 'us' since we were both men.  
  
Then you said you had nothing against it and all and so I asked you, "What's stopping you then? Don't you love me too?"  
  
Then there was silence. Neither of us spoke a single word…you, silent - probably stunned…me, waiting.  
  
And then I knew it. It was easy to say 'no' if you really didn't feel anything for me but then you didn't. "That's it. You love me. Well I love you Sendoh Akira and you know that." I clearly remembered I said.  
  
You denied it of course…what should I expect? I would have denied the obvious fact myself given that situation. And though I know it was stupid for me to do what I had done next, I took the risk of absolute mortification by stating, "Keiko told me everything. She broke up with you because you loved me more than you loved her." And that was a complete make-up story…and so I waited for my retribution.   
  
Silence. Was there no retribution or was he thinking about what to do with me and my lousy lie? Still the silence…silence…silence. Until such time I can no longer take it.  
  
"You love me, Akira. Admit it." I said.   
  
I finally dropped into my knees due to the tension, and with shaking hands I held yours tightly and gently placed my forehead into yours, "Don't make things hard for the both of us."  
  
And so suddenly you laughed, which was not the reaction I expected you would do. Who would laugh in a heated situation such as this? Then I realized, you really are out of the ordinary, and I loved you for it. "She told you that?" You asked. I nodded. It was then I knew that the assumption that I thought was a complete lie…was in fact the truth.   
  
  
  
"So what now?" you continued.  
  
"What do you mean 'what now'?" I asked…I couldn't quite understand.   
  
Then you told me the words I longed for years, "I love you, that's true. So what now?"  
  
I cannot help but kiss you. Then was the start of 'us'.  
  
It was the happiest of my life as we first started by living in one apartment and doing things couples normally do. We kiss and embrace each other tightly until we give up on the pain of hugging each other. We spend our first weeks making love and teasing each other, not even bothering to go to school or practice. That wasn't really nice to do but then it was…divine. Eternally divine.  
  
Living with you was a dream come true. By the time I come home from practice, no matter how tired you are from school work, I still see a steaming bowl of rice and a hot pot of good food across our dining table. With my husband sitting somewhere across the house reading a textbook or doing some math, patiently waiting for me to arrive.  
  
You'd even wake up early in the morning to hand me over a sandwich and a mouthwatering lunch so I have something to eat when my tummy goes into a renewed revolution again. Then we'd go to school together although in separate ways, you'd give me a quick peck on the cheek and tell me to do well in school and to refrain from sleeping in class. It was so hard to do but then, could I ignore such an order? Guess not.  
  
Then, if I get my monthly allowance I'd give out a surprise by fetching you in school and bringing you to a fancy restaurant so you can do away with the usual cooking and cleaning routine. And every time I do so, you'd always thank me for a million of times till I stop you from doing so and tell you I should be the one to thank you because you take care of me in a way no one ever did and that you loved me with the love that was pure and strong. And nothing can be compared to that.  
  
And how I loved the way we prepared ourselves for the upcoming weekends where we literally snob each other out on Friday night to finish all the home works and house chores so that when Saturday morning comes…no distractions, no interruptions…just you and me. And we'd spend the weekend by doing the things we used to do even before we became together…we'd play one-on-one then go home to cook some good ol' backyard barbecue and homemade sushi, drink a couple of beers and sing along with the KTV.  
  
And how I missed the late night Thursdays of watching horror TV in our living room with all the popcorns and sodas across the room. You know I hate goo-goos but then when I'm watching a goo-goo show with you, I find it better…because I can snuggle underneath your armpit when the goo-goo comes alive and goes eating the human prey.  
  
But I loved it the most when we both tuck ourselves in the blanket and drift into slumber every night. I would encircle you in my arms and place my head in your un-gelled hair until I myself fall asleep. Or at times I'll stay awake and look into your face and wonder if all I was seeing were really true…and if they were not and all was just a dream, then I'd ask God not to wake me up anymore. For I know I am in heaven…nothing could be better.  
  
Everything went smoothly…and perfectly. If we were to argue, it'd be either because of the cats or because of the dogs; because of the dirt or because of the kitchen…or because of jealousy. And if anyone was at fault, it would be me, it was never you. I was the one who let the cats out…the dogs out…makes a trash out of the living room and in our room for that matter and whenever I try to cook, everything is scattered up to the floor…guess I can never really blame you. And jealousy…I was a jealous and insecure man. I guess loving you too much made me want you for myself alone. I was so paranoid that because you were so perfect, others try to get you from me and I swear I will kill, Akira…you know that so well.  
  
Possessive, yes and I don't care. You did understand it and tried to avoid things that you knew I wouldn't like. It was so selfish of me, I know, but I guess I can't help it. You were too perfect, too good to be true…and you were mine.  
  
Finally came the time I graduated from college. You were still studying by then, you chose a way-too-hard-course a.k.a. aeronautics, so you'd pay a couple of years more to finish it. I proceeded for All-Japan, as you have expected I would do, you gave me your consent immediately even if I was not yet asking since you knew I was dying for a spot in All-Japan.   
  
I was off for Japan's capital but then could I ever leave you behind? I asked you to come with me. You left school and entered to a new one in Tokyo where they offer the same course. The pay was high but you went for it…so as to be with me as well.  
  
We lived in a cozy pad and the more sensual things had been…guess the ambiance does help. For when things warm up with our heated stares…no man, no neighboring pads ever existed…only a soaked you and a soaked me and the sounds of passion and the beauty of the act itself were the only things that existed.   
  
It was our fourth year when I decided that being mere 'boyfriends' was not enough. And with my first pay-check on All-Japan, I immediately bought 2 wedding rings and a ticket to Australia. I wanted to get you completely tied up to me…you had no objections of course.  
  
And so we lived as a married couple of which everyone knew and really didn't care about. For if they reacted untowardly, then I'd make them lie in the gutter breathless…pulseless. No mercy. And being married to you also gave me the advantage of keeping you all to myself. No man could ever get near you because you are not available in any form…you swore to be mine and the same goes for me. There was no problem on my part because I am certain that even if the sexiest girl would take off her clothes in front of me, I would not even look…nothing interests me more than you do, Akira. You know that.  
  
We endured the sanctity of our marriage for the next 6 years more.  
  
6 years…some said it was long but then I know it was not. It could've been forever if not for me.  
  
Yes, me…and this uncontrollable, stupid, irrelevant feeling which was none other that jealousy itself which killed me and my happiness as quickly as it entered my life.  
  
I never learned to control myself with my jealousy and never did I foresee the violent consequences of my uninhibited actions. Once I feel the insecurity, there was no stopping me…either I hurt myself by banging my hand on the wall till it bleeds or hurt the person who I think tried to take you away from me…but never did I hurt you, right? Physically, for that matter. But I know I hurt you every time I go wild with my rage and give you nothing but disappointment of my immaturity. It was only now that I have come to realize things such as this. And it was nothing but pure idiocy. Downright idiocy.  
  
Things have changed when you started to come home late and tired. I waited hungry every night until you came home. The rice got cold, the food got cold…I was almost drifting to sleep. Then finally you'll open the door and give me a kiss on the forehead…you look wasted. Then you'll say you wanted to sleep. No food were eaten as I went to chose to sleep beside you thought my stomach was grumbling. But I wanted you to eat some of my recipes at least…but then again, you were tired.  
  
And the same thing happened again and again, for weeks, for months. We made love, yes. If I had not forced you into it, I guess nothing could've happened. I again looked incessantly in your beautiful face as you slept peacefully in our bed, wondering if you have lost all the love you had for me.   
  
I changed for the better, thinking that if you had lost the love I could probably win it back by becoming a better man. I cooked, I cleaned the house, I took you out in the movies…did the things we used to do before…sing KTV, prepared homemade sushi and cooked barbecue, walked down the park till our feet ached, but it doesn't seem to change everything. You never wanted to talk about it, no matter how much I beg you to. And then I figured something was wrong…  
  
Soon after, I found a note in your purse, it said "Kawasaki Beach Resort and Hotel, reservations on the 11th of July, Rm. 823". I called up the number located on the lower end of the note and investigated on the identity of the person who made the reservations, and after much persistence, I finally knew who he was, no other than Hiroaki Koshino.   
  
I know the guy liked you ever since, but you never really wanted to talk me into it.   
  
I would have to fight the urge to cry out loud as I look at the date where you planned to make-out with that bastard. 11th of July, of all the dates in the year. It was our sixth year of being together apart from the four years we spent before marriage. I wondered how you could do such evil conspiracy to the one who loves you more than you have ever love anybody else. I wondered how you can do this to me who you've spent a decade of your life with.   
  
I wondered what did I do wrong…  
  
I wondered about you and him…  
  
I wondered what happened to 'us'.  
  
I decided to keep everything to myself until the time of our sixth year. And indeed you never came home…and I was a dead man, eaten by my rage. I drove all the way to where you were with a gun in my hand and a miserable heart…and there you were, lying naked on the bed.   
  
I was fuming mad and eventually I had hurt you bad physically, the first and last time I will and have done such a dreadful act.   
  
I kept on asking where was your lover and accusing you with faults of which none was true.  
  
Yes, none was true.   
  
You never had an affair with anybody…anyone. You have been loyal to me ever since.  
  
You had planned everything because you wanted to give me something you thought I'd like which was a nice vacation on our sixth anniversary. You came home late and tired everyday because you had worked part-time to earn extra money for the expenses you have cautiously calculated. You have asked people to help you out, to find a nice, romantic place…and I had mistaken your friend as your lover. But all was late as I pulled the trigger.  
  
It was not intended for you, Akira…it was for me. I tried to kill myself out of misery of a supposed broken heart but you took it from me, it was you who was hit…when it was supposed to be me.  
  
Bastard.  
  
And there was so much blood…so much blood that I did not know what to do…did not know who to call. All I knew was I that needed to hold you badly, and so I did. I held you tightly feeling you drifting away from me…and until you last breath, all I heard was how much you loved me and wanted to be with me at least a little bit longer.  
  
I could only cry and say an endless repetition of my regret…holding you all the more tightly. I knew it was a bit painful but I just did so because I was trying to get a hold of your slowly fading life.   
  
But again all was too late, just as I caught sight of the hospital, you gave up your hold on me, you left me alone.  
  
You know for a fact that from the time you accepted my love, it was only then that I cried again. And so I cried the years, the love and your life…that I so mindlessly wasted. I could only blame myself for the emptiness that I now feel inside.  
  
I was sentenced to another six years in prison in account of your death, but I paid no heed to it. But due to much debate in court, they freed me six months later, much to my dismay.   
  
For there's no reason for me to live the life I used to live now that you're not here.   
  
I find no reason for me to continue walking down the street as if I was innocent to the fact that I'm not.   
  
I see no reason for me to do the things I did back when you were there because you left me all alone now.   
  
I see no point of living when my life had already died.  
  
Akira, I miss you so much…and how much I regret that fateful day where I let my rage get the better of me. Oh how much I hated myself for being frail and powerless letting my emotions run before my sanity.   
  
How much I regretted it all thinking of how much I had wasted my efforts and your love because I lacked trust on you. When all you did was to trust in me and believed that bringing a gun and killing myself until such time I had killed you was not my liking.   
  
How much I regretted them all…and how I wished nothing really ever happened.   
  
For I would have been happier to see you walking down the street hand in hand with another who is not me. Would have been happier seeing you eat in the places we used to eat. Would have been happier seeing you enjoying playing ball with your lover in the court where we always played. Would have been satisfied knowing you were married even with another man. Would have been fulfilled knowing you had your own kids. Would have been happier to know you had successfully piloted an aircraft.   
  
I would have been more contented to know you are happy even in the presence of another…than to know and face the reality that you're not here anymore.  
  
"Akira…all was done yet never will I understand why you chose to leave me when you know that losing you is nothing short than losing my own life."  
  
And so along the green fields I walk, looking at the clear and bright horizon, and in my ears I hear the music of the wind. I look upon the clouds and saw your face in the pattern of the stars, I could only smile bitterly, cursing myself for a mere stupidity. Then I remembered you…the one person I truly loved. You who chose to lay down in this greenest of fields…making me die along with you.  
  
And you know I don't believe in prayers nor a God, nor a religion. But it's quite different when I stand here in front of this cross. For I again drop on my knees, believing in a God, asking him to take me. I fall down on my knees as I again shed my tears looking at the cross that bore your precious name…in the middle of this green fields in the midst of the crosses of names who once lived.  
  
***  
  
The end  
  
September 7, 2003 


End file.
